Cross Over

Only those who will risk going too far will find out how far one can possibly go.                                                                                                            - T.S. Eliot

This week, we will cross over from one life into the next. Everything will be shifted, shaken, and scrambled. I'm grateful that we downsized ourselves before coming south seven years ago. At the same time, this move won't be quite like any other we've experienced. It will be a move in stages: we will drive ten hours north to our destination, and then another four hours north to pick up furniture from storage. The dust will barely settle onto our new floors before I start my doctoral program.

Last week, I read my fall syllabi and ordered  25 essential books. The coursework does not look humanly possible. But that's the least of my concerns at the moment. As much as I would like to start reading, I can't, because I'm still studying for the Greek and Hebrew exams which I will take on Monday and Tuesday. Then, we will move out on Wednesday. We will drive ten hours north on Thursday. We will go get some of our furniture from storage on Friday. After all of this, we will have a weekend to settle ourselves before I'm on campus all day on Tuesday.

As I look ahead, our schedule feels brisk and tight. I try not to worry. I try to sleep as long as I can. In my waking hours, I study, pack boxes, and run errands. Now, I find it very funny that I once thought the homeschooling years would be my most demanding. The pace, volume and intensity of my life seem to be increasing in middle age. I never would have guessed that this particular venture could be part of my story. God is merciful, for he only shows me one chapter at the time.

In the last few years, I have learned a truth which is both practical and encouraging. Wherever I go, the sanctuary of God's presence goes with me. When Jesus promised, "I will never leave you or forsake you . . . I am with you," he meant it. He wasn't talking figuratively. That wonderful stillness and peace, that center of calm, where perspective and strength are infused into my weakness and timidity, that place remains, and I can walk into it anywhere like an empty room, and talk to him and find my bearings again. His sanctuary gives me hope that I will endure, I will be steadfast, and I will be whole at the end.

Love

This morning I'm watching the light rise in the sky. The ceiling of the world shifts gradually from midnight navy to deep cerulean to baby blue. The sun catches the clouds one by one and washes them pink. DiMarco’s song, “It is Well,” is playing, and I remember all those nights over the last five years when I walked and sang to myself under the stars, trusting that somehow God’s grace upon grace would be enough to pull me forward. My life felt like a small boat in a storm, far from familiar shores. There were weeks when I could not get my bearings at all. The person I thought I was seemed to have been an illusion – a temporary skin which worked for me in a season and now must be shed. But the agony was that shedding my old skin left me raw and vulnerable. I did not recognize the new person staring back at me in the mirror. I have changed more in the last five years that in any other period of my life.

What transformed me? Most of all, reading the text of the Bible in the original languages. I’m grateful for our English translations, because they give us the basic content and narrative lines. We have the gospel—the good news, and it is life-giving! But encountering the original text was like finally meeting the child one has carried in the womb for nine months. I am deeply altered by a great, consuming love for the child. No one ever explained to me that I might love the text like this and, if I did, it would change my universe.

This educational journey all started with a simple decision: I wanted to love God with all of my mind. In order to do that, I wanted to focus on pursuing a disciplined, systematic study of the scriptures. Once my commitment was launched and it had a location (in a seminary), my life became stressful, complicated, and challenging. Every week, I wondered if I could actually get all the work done. It seemed strange that so many additional requirements could be attached to one simple decision to love. But isn’t that just like bringing a new baby home? At first glance, loving the baby is simple, and then it will never be simple again.

Now, as I look back over these five years, I see love. From this distance, I can see that love pushed my boat forward on stormy waters, far from home, and love inspired me to give my best years to study, and love changed me in the journey. The transformation came because love was directed towards grasping the truth of God, and God was pleased to meet with me and engage me in learning.  

Truth in love was the reason I came here to study. 
Truth in love is the reason why I have changed. 
Truth in love is why I'm moving forward to more learning.  

Here’s the song I used to sing to myself at night: “It is Well,” by Kristene DiMarco.

Rejuvenate

Crunch time has arrived. Exams, moving, and orientation will happen in rapid succession in two weeks. I'm still behind schedule, mostly from being sick for ten days. Although I was taking good care of myself, I caught a summer cold. The good news is that I'm recovering without any complications. There isn't anything wrong with me or with my life. We are merely navigating the ordinary turbulence of moving and entering a new, advanced, academic program. The bad news is that August just became much more challenging. When I think about what must be done, I feel overwhelmed.

Surely you know what I mean. Stressful times come to all of us, and we have to find ways to keep going, ways to stay strong. I have to force myself to focus on the next step. I have to guard myself from the twin dysfunctions of worry and procrastination. On nights when I lie awake for a while, I have to deliberately remember the truth I know. Above all, I have to decide to be grateful. For these needs, I appreciate your prayers for wisdom, endurance, efficiency, and peace.

On a funny note, after ten days indoors, I went on a shopping spree yesterday with a pile of gift cards which I had been saving. For those of you who may recall my aversion for retail activity, this is hilarious. But I had a great time! I lingered over a blonde Strarbucks misto coffee, fresh fruit, granola, and date rolls. I bought needed clothing from three nice stores to refresh my tired wardrobe. I splurged on my favorite coffee beans at The Fresh Market. I got a hair cut which I like better than I have liked any haircut in years. I went out in the morning feeling tired, strained, and discourged. In the afternoon, I returned home energized, smiling, and ready to work. As I said to Chris, "I feel like a princess." A big thank-you goes out to all of you who have given me a gift card over the past year. You were in a fresh breeze in the sails of my little boat. This was more than a little retail therapy: it was a self-care session which will benefit me for weeks.

A month from now, I hope to be settled into my new location with classes and textbooks! Won't that be amazing?

Give Away

This afternoon, Chris returned from the AEJMC 2016 Conference where he presented four papers and won a second place award in his category. I'm very proud of him!

I have not been nearly as productive as my husband. Instead, I have been resting this weekend, because I caught a heavy summer cold. Those three words sound ironic and witty, but they are the best description for what I'm experiencing. I took three naps yesterday.

We are moving closer and closer to our deadlines: several will soon arrive in rapid succession. I'm "behind" in nearly every area, in spite of steady effort. My next strategy is to remove things from my backpack (re: last week's post). No one likes it when I do this, including me.

Tonight I had a very encouraging thought: I can scarcely remember what I have eliminated in the past when I was pressed as I strained towards a goal. But I do recall the thrill of achievement in the end. This is precisely what lies at the heart of simplicity.

For true simplicity is restraint exercised for a purpose. When purpose drives restraint, and purpose is the focus, purpose is remembered. One of my favorite quotes about this is from Winston Churchill:

Why is it that the ship beats the waves when the waves are so many and the ship is one? The reason is that the ship has a purpose.

There is something more I should tell you. When I do this, when I let go of what I wanted to keep, so that I may reach for what God wants, he turns my sacrifices and reluctant restraint into joyous acts.  To give away for God's purpose is to celebrate him above other things.

In exchange for my small pieces of life, I receive overflowing joy and life so great that I cannot hold all of it. I know this. I have proved it, over and over. So let the giving away begin.

Click on the picture to enjoy the worship song, "Heroes," by Amanda Cook.