From One World into the Next

My first PhD semester has ended. Since August, it has seemed to me that my life is being rewritten while I am still unsure what character I should be. I have many questions without answers. Who am I? What does it all mean? Shouldn't I grasp more of this plot? Am I on the best path here?

In mid-November, school became a blur as I raced to meet deadlines, and the sheer volume of work overwhelmed me. I had a major research paper with comparisons between biblical Greek, Hebrew, and Aramaic. There were forty academic books to read and write about. My translation of the Aramaic sections of Ezra were due in one week, just before exams. My Aramaic final was very challenging; I struggled with every rare word and verb form. Each task took three times longer than anticipated in a new culture with unfamiliar, and often unspoken, expectations. By Thanksgiving, I knew I would learn primarily by trying and falling short, but I must try with all my might, even so.

Honestly, I was drowning in work, with heavy rain on my head and water rising at my feet. I did not see how I could complete my assignments. Yet, amazingly, as I moved forward, hour by hour, I managed to survive. At certain points, I paused to drink in the beauty around me on one of my walks; there in the woods, I was restored briefly--before plunging back into the deluge. In the last three weeks, orientation was impossible. Point north might be anywhere. I needed to trust that God had me, even when I felt lost.

Then, in a moment, after my last exam, it was over. The waters abated, and I could see the moon above me in a navy sky. There was a great hush--still night, holy night, God is here, Emmanuel, my breath--I could hear my breath, and then sleep folded like a blanket over my weariness.

The next morning I awoke to snow. Swift and sweet, Christmas has arrived with full force. Now quick preparations are underway for guests, gift-giving, and travel. Everywhere we go, we are awash in lights, greenery, and music. My tired eyes are dazzled. Like a child of Narnia, I have tumbled from one realm into the next.

Standing upright in this moment is my joy to the world. With Noel rushing upon me like a blazing star filling my dark night, with angels singing glories filling my ears, I am here. I am here.

Come, Lord Jesus. May you find room in my heart, poor and burdened, as it is.

Photo of snowy bricks in Germantown, PA by Dave Tavani.